I just returned from a Shadow Work Seminar held by Giles Carwyn and Christen Burns in Asheville. My goal was to get at the core of my self destructive behavior. I got a direct hit and fell like thinks may really be changing, especially if I keep the cathartic insights alive and fueling my new behavior. I want to start documenting what happened, especially the specific revelations. The essence of my work during the weekend was played out in a tombstone process where I spoke to my father and he spoke to me:
Goals: Pursue my goals with passion, without distractions. Have intimate relationship with my wife and be a better role model for my kids.
Notes: My father was never satisfied with his place in the world, especially after the war. He got sick (mentally) and was then beat up by the medical system (electroshock therapy)
Me to my father "I desperately wanted to be with you. I wanted a father. I wanted you to love me. I did love you. I was in awe of you. You were a war hero. You saved the world and lost yourself. I felt your presence. I know you are with me. As a little boy, I didn't do well [without a father]. As an adult, I appreciated the pressure you were under. I want this to be a two way street By being a better father I can help you [heal] as well.
My father to me " I always loved you my son. I know I left you. I had to. Holding on doesn't help, let that go, right here, right now. I did what I could. I don't know about being a hero [as you said I was]. I did what I had to. I don't know what went wrong. I never gave up. When I gave up, I wasn't a whole person. You are dong a pretty good job. Not many people have a clue [how to be a man]. If I had been there I still would have been clueless[? notes unclear].
I have faith in you. Show people how to love, all the rest is B.S.Let all distraction go. Do not honor me [by repeating my behavior/suicide/self-destruction] it is not serving you. [Do not distract yourself from the pain, by distracting yourself from what is important in you life] Cut off the past [? unclear]. If there is any way I can help, I will.
Your spirituality is the future of the world. Just live it. Figure it out...bootstrap it!
[Lot of crying...when you were telling] stories to the kinds I thought they were for me. I listened to your stories. [They were] wonderful, thank you. I never had stories [when I was] growing up. Don't make up stories [now], live them. Thank you for those stories.
You are a beautiful man.
Be here now, dude. [That's] all there is.
I'm good...You'll be OK.
I just returned last night. I have initiated action on the biggest thing I was procrastinating. Mostly, I don't feel like I am pushing myself, just taking care of business. I have contacted Traci and hope to put together a local shadow work seminal with her and Giles facilitating.
Monday, August 25, 2014
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Keeping It Real
My current HRS-M (Haw River Sun-Men) commitments are around preparing for my Shadow Work Seminar by meditating daily, 1st thing and documenting my progress (this blog). They also suggested that I begin to gently write about grieving. So here goes,,,
Gratitude: I am truly blessed to have a son and daughter that are maturing as well balanced, healthy, happy human beings because it is a joy to my heart due to the suffering of so many I have observed.
During the HRS-M meeting last night I named my inner voice of distraction and emotional pain management, Fred. The metaphor is Bill Murray in "What About Bob?" "one of his most dependent patients, a manipulative, obsessively compulsive narcissist." For me he is the voice that always wants to distract me from what I should be doing. Likely he was created as a need to be distracted from the pain of losing my father and having an emotionally detached mother. He provided a very valuable service, but now too often rules the roost. I need to honor his service and let him go.
Grieving: As a little boy I lost my father and as an adult do not have a conscious memory of him, a second loss. I am lost as a result of loss. Rather, I often feel lost, likely as a result of loss. Rather, I often feel lost, likely as a result of not fully feeling the loss at the time. Affirmation: I can feel loss without being lost. All that wander are not lost.
Gratitude: I am truly blessed to have a son and daughter that are maturing as well balanced, healthy, happy human beings because it is a joy to my heart due to the suffering of so many I have observed.
Thoppu Karanam: Yes
Meditation: 10 minutes with music
Contemplation: I am meditating and blogging "1st thing" , which today translates to 11:00am. It's a start. For me there is a negative connotation in that statement, so I will say..."it is now and I am here."
Grieving: As a little boy I lost my father and as an adult do not have a conscious memory of him, a second loss. I am lost as a result of loss. Rather, I often feel lost, likely as a result of loss. Rather, I often feel lost, likely as a result of not fully feeling the loss at the time. Affirmation: I can feel loss without being lost. All that wander are not lost.
Where does that quote come from?
It is taken from the book by, J.R.R. Tolkien's The Fellowship of the Ring.
"All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring; renewed shall be the blade that was broken, the crownless again shall be king."
"All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring; renewed shall be the blade that was broken, the crownless again shall be king."
Friday, July 11, 2014
MAGES-40 40-in-a-row!!!
Meditation: ?
Affirmation: I am defined by what I am doing, distracting myself.
Gratitude: I am truly blessed to have a home, a family, a car, my health and a safe place to live and play.
Exercise: ?
Super-Brain Yoga: Yes
Affirmation: I am defined by what I am doing, distracting myself.
Gratitude: I am truly blessed to have a home, a family, a car, my health and a safe place to live and play.
Exercise: ?
Super-Brain Yoga: Yes
 |
| Success |
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
MAGES-39
Meditation: 5 min in tub
Affirmation: I am defined by what I am doing, distracting myself
Gratitude: I am truly blessed to have access to amazing musical artists like Iska Dhaaf
at the Cat's Cradle becasue they are uplifting and inspiring to me and to Julia and Maddie.
Exercise: None
Super-Brain Yoga" Yes
Affirmation: I am defined by what I am doing, distracting myself
Gratitude: I am truly blessed to have access to amazing musical artists like Iska Dhaaf
at the Cat's Cradle becasue they are uplifting and inspiring to me and to Julia and Maddie.
Iska Dhaaf (Benjamin Verdoes & Nate Quiroga)
Exercise: None
Super-Brain Yoga" Yes
| Almost |
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
MAGES-38
Meditation: 5 min before sleep
Affirmation: I am defined by what I am doing...procrastinating
Gratitude: I am grateful for my daughter's joy of life, like taking Bruce Wayne (a dog) down to Weaver Street to get ice cream.
Exercise: 20 push-ups, 40 crunches
Super-Brain Yoga: Yes
Affirmation: I am defined by what I am doing...procrastinating
Gratitude: I am grateful for my daughter's joy of life, like taking Bruce Wayne (a dog) down to Weaver Street to get ice cream.
Exercise: 20 push-ups, 40 crunches
Super-Brain Yoga: Yes
| Almost |
Monday, July 7, 2014
MAGES-37
Meditation: 5 min before bed, sitting up
Affirmation: I am define by what I am doing, escaping.
Gratitude: I am grateful for summer days.
Exercise: 10 min walk w/dogs
Super-Brain Yoga: Yes
Affirmation: I am define by what I am doing, escaping.
Gratitude: I am grateful for summer days.
Super-Brain Yoga: Yes
| Almost |
Sunday, July 6, 2014
MAGES-36
Meditation: >
Affirmation: I am defined by what I am doing...getting going earlier (10:00am)
Gratitude: I am truly blessed to be able to wake up into a beautiful blue Carolina day.
Exercise:
Super-Brain Yoga: Yes, w/Ganesh statue
Affirmation: I am defined by what I am doing...getting going earlier (10:00am)
Gratitude: I am truly blessed to be able to wake up into a beautiful blue Carolina day.
Exercise:
Super-Brain Yoga: Yes, w/Ganesh statue
Saturday, July 5, 2014
Mages-35
Meditation: None
Affirmation: I am defined by what I am doing...screwing around
Gratitude: I am truly blessed to have Duke Forest so close because it is inspiring due it beauty and accessibility.
Exercise: 1 hour+ i Duke Forest with Cindy and the dogs
Super-Brain Yoga
Affirmation: I am defined by what I am doing...screwing around
Gratitude: I am truly blessed to have Duke Forest so close because it is inspiring due it beauty and accessibility.
Exercise: 1 hour+ i Duke Forest with Cindy and the dogs
Super-Brain Yoga
| Missing Meditation |
Friday, July 4, 2014
MAGES-34
Meditation: 15 min with music
Affirmation: I am define by what I am doing....doing better
Gratitude: I am truly blessed to have a happy family and friends to enjoy the 4th of July and celebrate their kids passion for life and natural wonder after returning from a trip to Africa.
Exercise: 20 min walk with dogs
Super-Brain Yoga: Yes
Affirmation: I am define by what I am doing....doing better
Gratitude: I am truly blessed to have a happy family and friends to enjoy the 4th of July and celebrate their kids passion for life and natural wonder after returning from a trip to Africa.
Exercise: 20 min walk with dogs
Super-Brain Yoga: Yes
|
| Success |
Thursday, July 3, 2014
MAGES-33
Meditation: 10 min w.music
Affirmation: I am defined by what I am doing...still eating free range.
Gratitude: I am truly grateful for movies because they take me away due to their engrossing nature.
Exercise: 10 push-ups, 40 crunches
Super-Brain Yoga: yes
Affirmation: I am defined by what I am doing...still eating free range.
Gratitude: I am truly grateful for movies because they take me away due to their engrossing nature.
Exercise: 10 push-ups, 40 crunches
Super-Brain Yoga: yes
|
| Success |
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
MAGES-32
Meditation: 10 min active meditation while walking
Affirmation: I am define by what I am doing...got going early...we'll see how the day pans out.
Gratitude: I am truly grateful to have Mike Dalton as a friend and employer because his support is very stabilizing and rewarding due to his expertise, common sense and openness.
Exercise: 2-30min walks
Super-Brain Yoga: Yes
Affirmation: I am define by what I am doing...got going early...we'll see how the day pans out.
Gratitude: I am truly grateful to have Mike Dalton as a friend and employer because his support is very stabilizing and rewarding due to his expertise, common sense and openness.
Exercise: 2-30min walks
Super-Brain Yoga: Yes
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
MAGES-31
Meditation: 5 minutes before sleep (weak!)
Affirmation: I am defined by what I am doing...procrastinating
Gratitude: I am truly grateful to have Cindy as my wife because she had a huge heart, a good head and nice boobs.
Exercise: Hope to do push-ups and crunches (3 each!!!)
Super-Brain Yoga: Yes
Affirmation: I am defined by what I am doing...procrastinating
Gratitude: I am truly grateful to have Cindy as my wife because she had a huge heart, a good head and nice boobs.
Exercise: Hope to do push-ups and crunches (3 each!!!)
Super-Brain Yoga: Yes
|
| Near Success |
Monday, June 30, 2014
MAGES-30
Meditation: 5 min before sleep
Affirmation: I am defined by what I am doing....skating
Gratitude: I am truly grateful for having an appreciation for both technology and nature, the are both awesome.
Exercise: 20 min walk in woods with dogs.
Super-Brain Yoga: Yes
Goal: Spend more time meditating than watching porn.
Affirmation: I am defined by what I am doing....skating
Gratitude: I am truly grateful for having an appreciation for both technology and nature, the are both awesome.
Exercise: 20 min walk in woods with dogs.
Super-Brain Yoga: Yes
Goal: Spend more time meditating than watching porn.
|
| Success |
Sunday, June 29, 2014
MAGES-29
Meditation: 5 min, active meditation while walking
Affirmation: I am defined by what I am doing...starting in the morning ((9:30am on Sunday)
Gratitude: I am truly grateful for having strong, beautiful, good children because they appear to be largely free of internal struggles due to the grace of god.
Exercise: 1 lap + 60 min basket ball.
Super-Brain Yoga: Yes (in the morning...to the sun)
|
| Success |
Saturday, June 28, 2014
MAGES-28
Meditation: 5 minutes in tub
Affirmation: I am defined by what I am doing, taking steps, but still out of control.
Gratitude: I am truly grateful for The NC Botanical Garden's Mason Farm because it is rejuvenating and challenging while being beautiful and natural.
Exercise: 30 minutes fast walking on Mason farm (2 miles)
Super Brain Yoga: Yes
Insight on Motorcycle Mission: I don't need to be a subject matter expert, I can just be a facilitator of action and change.
You can be a metered champion of change without being devoured by all that is wrong with the world. You don't need to take on the burdens of the world to notice the changes in season and respond in order to survive. Some people are changing, some are communicating. There is hope, there is a way to take positive action in the world.
Affirmation: I am defined by what I am doing, taking steps, but still out of control.
Gratitude: I am truly grateful for The NC Botanical Garden's Mason Farm because it is rejuvenating and challenging while being beautiful and natural.
Mason Farm (2-mile nature loop)
Exercise: 30 minutes fast walking on Mason farm (2 miles)
Super Brain Yoga: Yes
Insight on Motorcycle Mission: I don't need to be a subject matter expert, I can just be a facilitator of action and change.
You can be a metered champion of change without being devoured by all that is wrong with the world. You don't need to take on the burdens of the world to notice the changes in season and respond in order to survive. Some people are changing, some are communicating. There is hope, there is a way to take positive action in the world.
Friday, June 27, 2014
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Monday, June 23, 2014
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Friday, June 20, 2014
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Monday, June 16, 2014
MAGES-16
Meditation: 5 minutes before going to sleep
Affirmation: I am define by what I am doing...just getting by.
Gratitude: I am grateful for Paul's sobriety because it will support the difficult decision and efforts he will need to make to fully engage in the world.
Exercise: 20 push-ups, 60 sit ups
Super-Brain Yoga: Yes
Affirmation: I am define by what I am doing...just getting by.
Gratitude: I am grateful for Paul's sobriety because it will support the difficult decision and efforts he will need to make to fully engage in the world.
Exercise: 20 push-ups, 60 sit ups
Super-Brain Yoga: Yes
Sunday, June 15, 2014
MAGES-15
Meditation: 10 min/active during exercise
Affirmation: I am defined by what I am doing...having fun, getting on track..not making $$$
Gratitude: I am truly blessed to have creeks, rivers and streams surround me and nourish me like well irrigated crops my psyche is refreshed and sustained with their energy.
Exercise: 20 min on track
Super-Brain Yoga: Yes, to moon
Affirmation: I am defined by what I am doing...having fun, getting on track..not making $$$
Gratitude: I am truly blessed to have creeks, rivers and streams surround me and nourish me like well irrigated crops my psyche is refreshed and sustained with their energy.
Exercise: 20 min on track
Super-Brain Yoga: Yes, to moon
Saturday, June 14, 2014
MAGES-14
Meditation: 5 min w/music
Affirmation: I am defined by what I am doing....keeping things going.
Gratitude: I am truly blessed to live in North Carolina because it has the most perfect summer evening weather right now.
Exercise: 30+ minutes hiking The Occoneechee Mountain State Natural Area Loop Trail.
Super-Brain Yoga: Yes
Affirmation: I am defined by what I am doing....keeping things going.
Gratitude: I am truly blessed to live in North Carolina because it has the most perfect summer evening weather right now.
Exercise: 30+ minutes hiking The Occoneechee Mountain State Natural Area Loop Trail.
Super-Brain Yoga: Yes
Friday, June 13, 2014
MAGES-13
Meditation: 2 laps, ~8min of active meditation.
Affirmation: I am defined by what I am doing....right on! it's 6:17am!
Gratitude: I am truly blessed to have little kids that want to learn to fish in the neighborhood because they warm my heat due to their pure attention to the world.
Exercise: Want to use the magic shoes. Walked track w/2 laps of active meditation.
Super-Brain Yoga: Yes
Affirmation: I am defined by what I am doing....right on! it's 6:17am!
Gratitude: I am truly blessed to have little kids that want to learn to fish in the neighborhood because they warm my heat due to their pure attention to the world.
Exercise: Want to use the magic shoes. Walked track w/2 laps of active meditation.
Super-Brain Yoga: Yes
Thursday, June 12, 2014
MAGES-12
Meditation: 5 min w/music
Affirmation: I am defined by what I am doing....scraping by, but hanging in there.
Gratitude: I am truly blessed to have fishing in my life and to have a new pair of approach shoes that will propel me to approach fitness from a new and energized perspective.
Salewa Wildfire Approach Shoe (Awesome!)
Super-Brain Yoga: No
| Improving |
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
MAGES-11
Meditation: 5 min w/music
Affirmation: I am defined by what I am doing....keeping it real.
Gratitude: I am truly blessed to have been questioned by a beautiful cop at 2:00 in the morning because she was an inspiration due to her determination and sense of duty.
Exercise: 20+ at tack.
Super-Brain Yoga: Yes
Affirmation: I am defined by what I am doing....keeping it real.
Gratitude: I am truly blessed to have been questioned by a beautiful cop at 2:00 in the morning because she was an inspiration due to her determination and sense of duty.
Exercise: 20+ at tack.
Super-Brain Yoga: Yes
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
MAGES-10
Meditation: 5 min w/music
Affirmation: I am defined by what I am doing...in vacation mode, but taking care of business.
Gratitude: I am truly blessed to have Bolin Creek in my back yard because we about to have a fishing rodeo for the kids due to the magic of Bolin Creek.
Exercise: 30 min on track
Super-Brain Yoga: yes
Affirmation: I am defined by what I am doing...in vacation mode, but taking care of business.
Gratitude: I am truly blessed to have Bolin Creek in my back yard because we about to have a fishing rodeo for the kids due to the magic of Bolin Creek.
Exercise: 30 min on track
Super-Brain Yoga: yes
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