Shadow Work Seminar

I just returned from a Shadow Work Seminar held by Giles Carwyn and Christen Burns in Asheville. My goal was to get at the core of my self destructive behavior. I got a direct hit and fell like thinks may really be changing, especially if I keep the cathartic insights alive and fueling my new behavior. I want to start documenting what happened, especially the specific revelations. The essence of my work during the weekend was played out in a tombstone process where I spoke to my father and he spoke to me:

Goals: Pursue my goals with passion, without distractions. Have intimate relationship with my wife and be a better role model for my kids.

Notes: My father was never satisfied with his place in the world, especially after the war. He got sick (mentally) and was then beat up by the medical system (electroshock therapy)

Me to my father "I desperately wanted to be with you. I wanted a father. I wanted you to love me. I did love you. I was in awe of you. You were a war hero. You saved the world and lost yourself. I felt your presence. I know you are with me. As a little boy, I didn't do well [without a father]. As an adult, I appreciated the pressure you were under. I want this to be a two way street By being a better father I can help you [heal] as well.

My father to me " I always loved you my son. I know I left you. I had to. Holding on doesn't help, let that go, right here, right now. I did what I could. I don't know about being a hero [as you said I was]. I did what I had to. I don't know what went wrong. I never gave up. When I gave up, I wasn't a whole person. You are dong a pretty good job. Not many people have a clue [how to be a man]. If I had been there I still would have been clueless[? notes unclear].

I have faith in you. Show people how to love, all the rest is B.S.Let all distraction go. Do not honor me [by repeating my behavior/suicide/self-destruction] it is not serving you. [Do not distract yourself from the pain, by distracting yourself from what is important in you life] Cut off the past [? unclear]. If there is any way I can help, I will.

Your spirituality is the future of the world. Just live it. Figure it out...bootstrap it!

[Lot of crying...when you were telling] stories to the kinds I thought they were for me. I listened to your stories. [They were] wonderful, thank you. I never had stories [when I was] growing up. Don't make up stories [now], live them. Thank you for those stories.

You are a beautiful man.

Be here now, dude. [That's] all there is.

I'm good...You'll be OK.

I just returned last night. I have initiated action on the biggest thing I was procrastinating.  Mostly, I don't feel like I am pushing myself, just taking care of business. I have contacted Traci and hope to put together a local shadow work seminal with her and Giles facilitating.