Shadow Work Seminar

I just returned from a Shadow Work Seminar held by Giles Carwyn and Christen Burns in Asheville. My goal was to get at the core of my self destructive behavior. I got a direct hit and fell like thinks may really be changing, especially if I keep the cathartic insights alive and fueling my new behavior. I want to start documenting what happened, especially the specific revelations. The essence of my work during the weekend was played out in a tombstone process where I spoke to my father and he spoke to me:

Goals: Pursue my goals with passion, without distractions. Have intimate relationship with my wife and be a better role model for my kids.

Notes: My father was never satisfied with his place in the world, especially after the war. He got sick (mentally) and was then beat up by the medical system (electroshock therapy)

Me to my father "I desperately wanted to be with you. I wanted a father. I wanted you to love me. I did love you. I was in awe of you. You were a war hero. You saved the world and lost yourself. I felt your presence. I know you are with me. As a little boy, I didn't do well [without a father]. As an adult, I appreciated the pressure you were under. I want this to be a two way street By being a better father I can help you [heal] as well.

My father to me " I always loved you my son. I know I left you. I had to. Holding on doesn't help, let that go, right here, right now. I did what I could. I don't know about being a hero [as you said I was]. I did what I had to. I don't know what went wrong. I never gave up. When I gave up, I wasn't a whole person. You are dong a pretty good job. Not many people have a clue [how to be a man]. If I had been there I still would have been clueless[? notes unclear].

I have faith in you. Show people how to love, all the rest is B.S.Let all distraction go. Do not honor me [by repeating my behavior/suicide/self-destruction] it is not serving you. [Do not distract yourself from the pain, by distracting yourself from what is important in you life] Cut off the past [? unclear]. If there is any way I can help, I will.

Your spirituality is the future of the world. Just live it. Figure it out...bootstrap it!

[Lot of crying...when you were telling] stories to the kinds I thought they were for me. I listened to your stories. [They were] wonderful, thank you. I never had stories [when I was] growing up. Don't make up stories [now], live them. Thank you for those stories.

You are a beautiful man.

Be here now, dude. [That's] all there is.

I'm good...You'll be OK.

I just returned last night. I have initiated action on the biggest thing I was procrastinating.  Mostly, I don't feel like I am pushing myself, just taking care of business. I have contacted Traci and hope to put together a local shadow work seminal with her and Giles facilitating.

Keeping It Real

My current HRS-M (Haw River Sun-Men) commitments are around preparing for my Shadow Work Seminar by meditating daily, 1st thing and documenting my progress (this blog). They also suggested that I begin to gently write about grieving. So here goes,,,

Gratitude: I am truly blessed to have a son and daughter that are maturing as well balanced, healthy, happy human beings because it is a joy to my heart due to the suffering of so many I have observed.

Thoppu Karanam: Yes

Meditation: 10 minutes with music

Contemplation: I am meditating and blogging "1st thing" , which today translates to 11:00am. It's a start. For me there is a negative connotation in that statement, so I will say..."it is now and I am here."

During the HRS-M meeting last night I named my inner voice of distraction and emotional pain management, Fred. The metaphor is Bill Murray in "What About Bob?" "one of his most dependent patients, a manipulative, obsessively compulsive narcissist." For me he is the voice that always wants to distract me from what I should be doing. Likely he was created as a need to be distracted from the pain of losing my father and having an emotionally detached mother. He provided a very valuable service, but now too often rules the roost. I need to honor his service and let him go.

Grieving: As a little boy I lost my father and as an adult do not have a conscious memory of him, a second loss. I am lost as a result of loss. Rather, I often feel lost, likely as a result of loss. Rather, I often feel lost, likely as a result of not fully feeling the loss at the time. Affirmation: I can feel loss without being lost. All that wander are not lost.

Where does that quote come from?

It is taken from the book by, J.R.R. Tolkien's The Fellowship of the Ring.
"All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring; renewed shall be the blade that was broken, the crownless again shall be king."